It's The End Of The Sonic Franchise As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Ok, so a review in written form. I struggled with the thought of another Shadow review, and it really boiled down to “do I want to record a whole lot of new footage of this stupid game and spend an entire day cutting it together along with commentary just so I can say that Shadow fucking sucks and people are retarded for liking that game”?

Of course I answered yes. But the problem with Christmas is it’s hard to find five minutes to yourself between family and friends and women and football and your day job, and to be honest, I really don’t want to play Shadow anymore. It’s not just because the game is so godawful, but I die a little more inside every time I realize how far down the shitter the Sonic series has gone. Mario transitioned nicely to the third dimension and has come out with game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game, all the while Sonic is sitting stranded on a 727 on the tarmac.

The inherent problem with the Sonic franchise is while it is technically a platformer, it’s moreso based on running around as fast as possible while smashing into enemies, which is all fine and dandy for a 2D level strung up like a racetrack, but it just doesn’t work well in 3D. Take Mario 64 for example. 15 worlds with plenty to do and can be as explored as fully as the player wishes. Lots of platforming, lots of replay value, and it’s very fluid.

However, Sonic games are still stuck in the same philosophy. Sure it’s three dimensional and sometimes you turn left or right, but the principle is still the same. Run from Point A to Point B. No exploring. In fact for the most part if it were possible, you could zoom the camera out and to the side and just play it like it were 2D. Oh sure, this is rudimentary and isn’t overly horrible, but the standard of gameplay quality has been raised from generation to generation, and that sort of thing just won’t cut it anymore. You think Capcom could get away with releasing the same kind of Mega Man games they did 10 years ago? The Mega Man X Collection is a prime example of a rise and a fall of a series. It reached its pinnacle with Mega Man X3, and then went straight down after.

I suppose I should really go into detail where my origin in the Sonic fandom lies and what happened when. It all started, like everything else involving a video game as a kid, on Christmas ’93, I think. I got a Game Gear for Christmas from I believe my aunt Linda and uncle Robert. It came with Sonic the Hedgehog and Chuck Rock. I loved Sonic. I wasn’t so hot for Chuck Rock. And I was delighted with the maybe hour of gameplay I’d get out of six rechargeable nicads. And then the following birthday I got Chase HQ and Sonic Chaos. And then the next Christmas it was Sonic 2 and some Sonic comic books. And then the next birthday it was Sonic Spinball. And then the next Christmas was Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine. And then the NEXT Christmas it was Sonic Blast.

And then it kinda just faded away. The TV shows weren’t on anymore. The comic book series had gotten boring after issue #50 (where Robotnik was killed). And there were no more Sonic Game Gear games coming out. And just like Journey after the Raised on Radio album, it just vanished without warning.

There was a small resurgence a few years ago when I finally got a Sega Genesis on the cheap from a neighborhood garage sale, which came with Sonic 2 and Sonic & Knuckles, among other games (who needs two soccer games, let alone one?). I’d had plenty of experience with Sonic 2 at other people’s houses who had Sonic 2, but S&K was new to me, and fun, despite the age and the lack of a Sonic 3.

The Sonic Mega Colletion Plus was released for PS2. I bought it. I loved it. Had all the Genesis games and some of the Game Gear games. Didn’t have Sonic 2 GG on it though, which was unfortunate.

And then one day I went and bought a Gamecube (Even though the Wii was coming out in five months), and at one of the local game shops I bought Resident Evil and Resident Evil 0. Turned out there was a buy two get one free deal, and I couldn’t pick another game, so the guy gave me Sonic Adventure DX.

I played it. It was alright. I liked the small choice of characters. Sonic ran fast. You could go exploring outside of the stages. The characters were unlocked in order of interest, the Big Three were first, and then your bit characters like Amy, that Robot, and that retarded cat.

There were of course catches. I hated Knuckles’ levels with a passion; I can’t recall a time in my life were I was more irate to hear a loud beeping noise over and over and over and over whenever I approached an emerald shard. The camera was annoying, but manageable. I didn’t care to play as anybody outside of the Big Three. I stopped caring about unlocking emblems since I already had most of the Game Gear games. Tails levels were redundant since they were just rehashes of Sonic’s levels but with time limits.

Something else I had a problem with: All of a sudden Sonic is interacting with vibrant cities full of humans. When did his happen? When did Sonic go from being a hedgehog on planet Mobius full of animals where the only human was Robotnik - which was a clever jab at how humankind is destroying the planet with automation, to a full blown human race and where the humanoid bipedal animals were the minority? Does the Sonic series even take place on Mobius anymore?

I got what I paid for.

So I’m frequenting EB Games one day and I see they have a near-mint copy of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for GC for $11.99. I pick it up. Maybe they’ve fixed some of my concerns from the previous game? NOPE. Sonic is still running in a glorified straight line, the camera is even WORSE (instead of panning upwards and downward, it zooms in and out), and now for the most part I can’t pick who I’m playing as.

Rather than give me six separate characters to choose from, thus letting me decide if I want to run in straight line or be masochistic and listen to loud beeping over and over while I look for goddamn emerald shards with an extremely awful camera, the game forces me to pick a team of three characters, and now I alternate between them. Sonic runs, Tails rides retardedly hard to control vehicles, and now Knuckles has a full-blown rap accompaniment. Lovely.

They did something new though. They introduced some new characters. Rouge, some kind of nymphomaniacial bat, and Shadow, a black hedgehog. I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know what their deal is, because I honestly never bothered to play as them. I got pissed off after failing numerous times at some Tails level where he was riding this stupid airplane mech and wouldn’t stop falling off things or dying and vowed never to play Sonic Adventure 2 ever again.

And not just that, they took out the little free roaming feature where you could wander between levels, thus making the game fully linear.

But like I said, I simply stopped playing. I don’t know. Maybe the camera magically fixed itself. Maybe nonlinear random roaming returned. Maybe Sonic’s levels stopped being glorified two-dimensional race tracks. Maybe Knuckles stopped being a wigger. Maybe Tails got the fuck out of his mechs and became easier to control. I have no way of knowing.

Then Sonic Heroes came out. Now it’s four teams of three characters that you play all at once. Great! Now rather than having to play as two characters I don’t like alternating from level to level, I now have to play them all at the same time and stop the gameplay so I can switch to that character and do whatever task it is they do in order to advance!

Again, I’m assuming that’s the gist of the whole game. I played it for 10 minutes at my cousin’s house, so for all I know the rest of the game may not be like that.

And guess what? They introduced even MORE characters! There aren’t enough already? Now we have some pedo meat rabbit named Cream and whoever else is on Amy’s team, and team CHAOTIX, which is a croc, an armadillo, an a bee that nobody has ever heard of.

I’m lying. Sonic purists will tell me that the Chaotix have always been there. Which is also a lie. The Chaotix were never there. The Chaotix were only known beforehand to the four people in existence who owned both a 32x AND Knuckles’ Chaotix, and maybe the 10 or so people who read the comics. So four teams of three characters, in a Sonic game, we’re only playing as Sonic a twelfth of the time.

Let’s take “Team Sonic” out of contention. Let’s leave the other nine characters. Who is the average newfag Sonic fan going to pick as their favorite? Shadow! Why? Because he’s an anti-hero! That means he’s badass. And he’s black. Which means he’s evil or rogue or something else. I don’t know. It’s an overused archtype. No game can get the whole anti-hero thing down. Kane and Lynch failed. FF7: Dirge of Cerberus failed. GoldenEye: Rogue Agent failed. In the end, the game designers wind up creating unlikable douchebags rather than bold deep characters who play by their own rules.

So yeah, the kids like Shadow. I know! Let’s make a game about him! Let’s explore his backstory! Let’s make a brand new gaming experience! Let’s fix all the gameplay flaws! Let’s make this the best Sonic game ever! Wait, I’m being told that we’re just going to shine up the same shit and give it a different name. My bad.

The camera still isn’t fixed. We’re STILL just going in a straight line. There are STILL too many characters. But wait! Instead of fixing old problems, let’s create NEW ones! Let’s make it so you have to scour these straight line levels back and forth so you can kill 30+ enemies! Let’s leave the visuals intact so the PlayStation 2 has problems managing an FPS above 10! Let’s give Shadow a GUN.

A GUN.

Let’s look over Shadow’s resume briefly. He’s the ultimate life form. He can do fancy shit like transport all over places and unleash energy waves and fly and deflect bullets at stuff. So why does he need a gun?

Rather than go into a large philosophical and sociological debate as to why someone with such fleeting powers would choose to engage hostiles using a primitive manmade weapon, I’m simply going to quote a line from IGN’s review of Miami Vice: The Game for PSP:

“Take, for instance, its reputation system. While not the first game to have such a thing, the notoriety feature in Miami Vice actually comes with a trade-off: wear body armor and use badass weapons and you'll get through the level much easier, but do it with defenseless lounge singer clothes on and nothing more than your department-issued handgun, and your rep will go up a lot quicker.”

It goes back to the whole badass anti-hero thing. He’s doing it to look cool. Which…makes sense, for an idiot to do. But really, the guns are for the most part, optional. You don’t have to use them.

This leaves you two forms of attacking enemies:

A. Punch them.
B. Jump smash into them.

A is impossible because of course, Shadow’s punching radius is maybe two pixels farther than his character model, and gently brushing up against an enemy results in a loss of rings or a life. That’s another indication that Sonic is clinging to the same gameplay mechanic they used 15 years ago. Sure, back then, enemies always caused damage when they brushed up against you, but for the most part nowadays it isn’t always the case. I can take a game like Max Payne and have Max randomly run into people and sure, he won’t take damage from that (although their constant shooting may do him in), but still, if an enemy lightly taps Shadow (or whoever in this series) on the shoulder and all of a sudden it’s assault & battery.

B (for those who have forgotten, is jump smash) is too unpredictable for it’s own good. Basically, you jump, and then hit the jump button again, and Shadow flies forward. Sometimes. I like to use it as a means to get a running start. But it’s also an attack, and it will randomly auto-lock onto nearby enemies without notice, which is usually OK. Shadow will bounce off an enemy and kill them, and you can hit the jump button again to smash into the next enemy.

This is where it can get problematic.

Let’s say the level takes place on floating platforms (as many of the levels in this game do) and plummeting off the edge of the track results in instant death. If Shadow’s jump smash attack decides it doesn’t want to auto-lock onto enemies anymore (maybe they’re behind him or a little too far away), Shadow will jump in the same direction he was going if you make him. Often this is straight over the edge and right into death. So what are you supposed to do? You can’t tell when it’ll auto lock and you can’t tell when it’ll stop. And you can’t punch the enemies because it’s too much of a goddamn risk to Shadow’s life since he’s a super duper all powerful master being who can deflect bullets and zoom around and teleport and roundhouse kick enemies but is in fucking critical condition if you tap him on the shoulder.

You pick the gun up and you shoot them. Maybe THAT’S why they implemented gunplay, the other attack mechanics were too broken to be of any use.

So yes, the game is finally nonlinear, but this isn’t exactly a good thing. Like I said, you now have to do X number of things in order to change the storyline. And there’s usually a 2P character who’ll remind you how much you have to do. But at certain points in the track, the other character shows up to remind you what the OTHER objective is.

I stand corrected on something I said in my review. I said you had to manually change them back in forth in order to continue the objective. It turns out you can keep doing the other objective without it being the one actively displayed on the screen. However, you STILL have to change back and forth to have any goddamn idea how many more GUN soldiers you have to kill just so you can earn the label of “EVIL”.

So follow me here. We have an archaic gameplay design wherein the player runs from point A to point B. The quality of this gameplay was already suspect to major criticism. You NOW have to scavenge this track for X number of items or enemies. In a gameplay setup that is designed to accommodate a player who runs really fast, you now have to tread slowly and run back and forth completing objectives.

The Sonic series has degenerated into an old beat up 1992 Volkswagen Jetta. It’s based on old technology. You’ve put a spiffy new radio in it, but the speakers are still shitty. The seats are held together by tape. There’s a hole in the floor. The power windows don’t work. The gas tank leaks if you fill it more than halfway. And rather than replace this old car with a shiny new one, Sega insists on still driving it despite the fact that it’s degrading into a deathtrap with wheels and any cosmetic change is offset by something that still makes it unusable.

And even after all that, when the problems with the Sonic formula were more than glaringly obvious, what did they do? They released ANOTHER Sonic game! And now they just called it “Sonic the Hedgehog”. What, is it a remake of the original game? Where does it relate in the series canon? Does it tie up any of the plot twists from Sonic Adventure 2?

No, it’s just MORE broken gameplay mechanics! Now you play as Sonic, Blackie the Hedgehog and Whitey the Hedgehog! Good to know we’re being creative, Sega! I see we’re STILL creating too many poorly defined cast members and we’re STILL not upgrading the gameplay and we’re STILL driving that piece of shit broken down VW Jetta.

For the video review, I was going to buy the 360 version of that game and just snap it on camera, saying that’s what I thought of it. But what a waste of $20 that would be. There’s far better uses for $20 right now, such as alcohol and gameday snacks.

And really, I can sum up Sonic Team’s incompetence in one observation. THEY CAN’T EVEN REMAKE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG GENESIS PROPERLY. Everyone who has played Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis 15th Anniversary Edition for the Game Boy Advance has had an overwhelming urge to kill themselves. We have Nintendo remaking Super Mario Bros. all the time for various consoles, whether they be straight ports or enhanced ports or remakes, and Sega can’t even get their first game right ONCE.

As far as I know, there’s no plans for any main series Sonic games. And I honestly hope it stays that way. My inner child can’t take any more of this rape.

I have to wonder though, with the rash of people commenting on the Shadow review saying that Shadow rocked and that I was an idiot and a fatass (that shirt is actually very large), but they never specified if I was an asshole for hating the character or for hating the game. I have to say they think I’m attacking the character because there is no way in poo perfect hell that they could seriously regard Shadow the Hedgehog: The Game as anything less than utter shit.

I don’t know. I don’t watch the new shows. I see him as every other rational person sees him: Black Sonic with a gun. Nothing more, nothing less.

tl;dr: Shadow sucks.


EDIT: This is what’s nice about blog posts. If I decide I forgot to mention something or I thought up something else, I can just add more.

So yeah, the game has 10 normal endings. 10? 10 endings? I like variety but ten endings? What’s the point of 10 endings especially if there’s a FINAL ENDING that just invalidates the previous 10?

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I didn’t play 100% of the game. Why? I don’t need to play 100% of a game to tell that it’s crap. I shouldn’t have to play 100% of a game to decide that it’s crap. I should have to play 100% of a game if it’s a single-entry game or if it’s from a series with a history of excellence. You know what I did? I downloaded a save file with 100% completion and just replayed most of the levels.

I have about 40 or 50 some odd games sitting around waiting to be beaten, at least six or seven of them RPGs. If Shadow the Fucking Hedgehog thinks I’m going to dedicate the time and energy needed to unlock every little piece of shit extra content, level, and swear word he has, he’s out of his fucking mind. I might as well just sit in my chair and do nothing for the next 48 hours, and I’ll accomplish as much as I would by finishing Shadow. “Cool, I finished Shadow. I learned nothing and it was the most unrewarding experience of my life. I think I’ll shoot myself now”.

But I think I figured out Sonic Team. Yessir I did. You see, there’s a hidden genius to what they’re doing. They remove whatever feature was good from their game for the sequel. Sonic Adventure, free roaming! GONE. Sonic Adventure 2, only have to play through the game twice. GONE. Sonic Heroes, you could at least play as Sonic. GONE. Shadow the Hedgehog, you only had to play as one poorly defined character. GONE. And since there’s no plans for another main series Sonic game, I can’t tell what, if anything, Sonic ’06 did right.

I want to say the Sonic series is the video gaming equivalent of the San Francisco 49ers but frankly that would be an insult to the 49ers. At least they have that backup quarterback Shaun Hill who’s showing some promise. What does Sonic have? The best thing he’s done in the last decade is not release a game in the last year.

Someone, answer this for me. Did Shadow retain his guns in Sonic ’06? Actually, you know what? Don’t answer that. That’s an admission that you actually played Sonic ’06.

I want to pose the question to people as to how to fix the Sonic franchise without turning it into a 2.5D sidescroller, but I seriously don’t think there’s a way to bring Sonic to the third dimension without him sucking immensely.

I still have no desire to ever play Sonic Adventure 2 again. Maybe it’s the one instance where I quit the game at the exact moment where it was going to pick up and all the problems were going to magically be solved. In the line of crappy Sonic Games, it’s certainly better than what they’re cranking out now. Sonic Adventure 2 is a fucking godsend compared to Shadow the Hedgehog. That’s kind of like saying Resident Evil Extinction is better than Resident Evil Apocalypse.

And before anybody puts my gaming talent into question, I would like to point out that I did do that speed run of Sonic 2 GG, so it’s not like I can’t hack my way through a naturally difficult Sonic game.

EDIT#2: Final edit, I swear. Basically, it all comes down to this. We could go back in time about 15 years and I could give you the choice between playing Super Mario World and Sonic 3 & Knuckles and you might have a hard time choosing between them. Today I could give you the option between Super Mario Galaxy and Sonic '06 and you wouldn't even have to think about what to say.

PlayItBogart says:
I could give you the option between Mario World and Sonic 3 & K, and there might have been a slight chance you could pick Sonic over Mario
PlayItBogart says:
Today I could give you the choice between Mario Galaxy and Sonic '06
WolferGiga says:
HAHAHAHA
PlayItBogart says:
You wouldn't even have to think about it long enough to know that Sonic '06 is crap
WolferGiga says:
playing sonic 06 vs eating my right testical.... hmmmm
WolferGiga says:
hard choice.
PlayItBogart says:
You know I think I'd rather eat my testicle.
PlayItBogart says:
Sorry fella, but you're gonna have to pack your bags. Maybe I can sell you to Lance Armstrong instead.

Reports of my assimilation are greatly exaggerated.

Not dead.



Also I finally picked up a DS Lite. Got a couple games for it, including Super Mario 64 DS and New Super Mario Bros. Right now I'm playing Madden NFL '08 on it because I simply must be permitted to play football on the go.

And it looks as thought the next IrateGamer review is on Tetris.

uuuuh....

what?

Looks like it's time to get involved. (RE: IrateGamer)

For a time, all was well. The reviewing community had managed to distance itself from the majority of AVGN-nazis and we had embraced the content that we all came up with.

And then that community turned it's guns on the Irate Gamer.

Irony, right?

Near as I can tell, it all started with a rant that Silent Rob put out after Chris announced that the next review would be on TMNT. It was full of butthurt. Every third word was "cock" and it was full of "BAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW HE HAS LEET EDITING SKILLZ". Every teenager with nothing better to do (i.e. school and/or job) latched onto the idea that hating IrateGamer was way more fun than liking him, and proceeded to troll the fuck out of him.

I'm not going to sit here and say that the resulting TMNT review didn't bear a suspicious resemblance to the then-ANN review (Or say I wasn't a little aghast when he went after TMNT2).

Let's review some facts and assumptions.

FACT: A reviewer is going to review a game regardless if someone else already did it.

FACT: The pizza next to the collapsing razor walls is massively outrageous, and it'd be a crime NOT to mention it.

ASSUMPTION: Chris probably saw the original TMNT review sometime after he put out the TMNT teaser.

ASSUMPTION: Nobody ever used the phrase "shit load of fuck" on the internet before Chris did, right??

ASSUMPTION: AVGN is the ONLY internet celebrity allowed to market his own t-shirt.

First, let's address the "shit load of fuck" issue. The expletive "shit load of crap" has had the word "crap" removed and "fuck" added in it's place. Witty and unique, right? Sure, if you discount the fact that AVGN comes up with these things probably by sticking swear words and other complete randomness into mad libs just to come up with these terms. If I want to say shit load of fuck, I'm saying it. I don't give a shit who else said it before I did.

Another issue of contention among his detractors is his use of fancy effects and cutting-edge video-editing software. So what? If you've got a talent, fucking use it. And if I had the talent to put in the kind of special effects he does, I'd do it too. HE USES SONY VEGAS HE SUXXXX. If you guys get a rare power-up in a video game, are you gonna use it? No, of course not. To use it would make you a jackass who exploits rare knowledge or talent to make a task easier or more appealing. I'm going to assume that everyone who uses Sony Vegas as a talking point never used the tank on the Runway or Streets levels of Goldeneye 007 because that would make them hypocrites.

Another talking point people use is that he has reviewed Back to the Future and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which were also reviewed by AVGN. I count at least five TMNT reviews on a search for "tmnt review nes" that weren't done by AVGN or IrateGamer. You guys had better be flaming every one of those guys too for reviewing a game AVGN did.

"But wait Bogart, you reviewed Top Gun: The Second Mission, which AVGN kinda reviewed and/or mentioned in his Top Gun review. Nobody hated you for it."

Oh they hated it before I pulled out the review. Everybody assumed I was just going to trash the game. Then the review came out and it was quite the opposite. The YouTube reviewing community assumes by default that you're going to rip someone off if you go after a game someone else did.

UrinatingTree did a Snake's Revenge review (ish). He even used sound clips from my review. Does that make me hate him? No, of course not. He took my review and made it better. It's not plagiarism to take an existing concept and improve it. ZOMG PLAGIARISM IRATEGAMER TOOK A TALKING POINT/REALLY STUPID EXPLETIVE AVGN DID. If we handled all instances of taking ideas and trying to improve them, we wouldn't have new video game consoles. This is why we can't have nice things.

Granted, I did pull a really mean bait and switch on wizwar100 for doing an intro like mine with the Time Lord theme, but that was in really bad taste and I apologized for it.

Some of the butthurt IG haters have created an article at EncyclopediaDramatica. This is a huge mistake. From someone who has frequented ED for the last couple of months, this article is extremely shitty. I don't know if the people brave enough to contribute to it know this, but ED doesn't think much of reviewers, seeing as how they have articles for AVGN and UrinatingTree. Haters, pay close attention to the UT article. It's about as appealing as the IG article. And ED thinks it's made of massive fail. ED also hates AVGN. So for reviewers to go there and try and make ED their own personal army is only going to come back and bite them in the ass. ED is an outlet for sites such as 4chan and entities such as Anonymous. There are three constants in the universe: Death, Taxes, and Don't Fuck With Anonymous/4chan/ED/etc. But you guys would know that, you actually looked at content the site hosts before you went there to flame IrateGamer, right? If not, Pay close attention to this article. He tried to make 7chan his personal army. It didn't end well.

Finally, I'll address his need for having to sometimes approve comments. Gee, could you blame him? Sure, there are some of you who want to point out legitimate concerns, questions and/or criticisms of his video, but do you know what the majority of his detractors are posting? Random stupid ass comments probably involving cocks or homosexuality. If he manually approves comments, it's because idiots are spamming his videos. I don't appreciate when my videos are spammed with trash, you don't appreciate it, and Chris certainly isn't going to appreciate it either. I wouldn't be surprised at all if part of the motive of his comment approving had to do with fucking pornbots comment-spamming porn links.

I'm going to tell you guys what I told DanielCraigIsNotBond. If you have a legitimate reason to dislike IG, go right ahead. If not, stop acting butthurt and surpass him if you think he's so shitty.

It's a shitload of fuck.

Because YouTube and Revver fail at life...

Star Trek V in V Seconds

Resident Evil: Exstinktion

^{Trailer for the film.}

So as I've been saying, I went and saw Resident Evil Extinction tonight. I do have to admit that I thought the first was alright, and I liked the second one a little better. It helps that RE3 is in my mind the most fun Resident Evil to play, and that I recognized most of Toronto sitting in for Raccoon City. Plus they're certainly not the worst video game movies out there, they're not Doom or Bloodrayne II (Which I may also purchase and review).

My thoughts? I think I liked this movie.

BEFORE I BEGIN THOUGH: It pisses me off that the concession stand now takes debit. My movie starts in 10 minutes, they only just let me in now, I have a voucher for a #1 (Drink, popcorn, candy bar), and I'm standing in a line full of kids who are ALL paying with debit. THERE'S A GODDAMN MACHINE OVER IN THE FRONT WHERE YOU CAN BUY VOUCHERS FOR YOUR FOOD. BUY YOUR SHIT AHEAD OF TIME SO I DON'T HAVE TO PLAY "WHICH LINE IS MOVING THE FASTEST!". I need to start wearing my duster again so I can just smuggle food in.

Let's begin a rundown of the film in chronological order.

GIGANTIC SPOILERS! BUT I'M ASSUMING NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO GO SEE IT ANYWAY, SO WHO GIVES A SHIT?

PROLOGUE: Movie starts. We're shown a few clips from the first film where Alice wakes up, gets her dress, etc. No narration. She opens a door and the laser corridor is right there. Odd. The laser goes off once. She has to hop up to avoid it. Then the laser grid comes at her. She escapes it by hopping up into a vent (Yeah...). She crawls through, hops out, and is now in the hospital from the end of the film. Huh? She walks through, then is shot in a trap that triggers, and dies. Guys in white suits take her body. We see a shot of Dr. Issacs (Scientist from the end of the second film), looking a little disappointed

Scene shifts to a desert setting. They throw the body into a giant pile of Alice corpses. Camera pans out. It's a fenced off area in a desert with plenty of zombies banging on the fences.

RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION

ACT ONE:Time for backstory! Turns out Umbrella didn't quite contain the infection as they had hoped. It spread throughout the US, and then the world. The T-Virus infected lots of other stuff, too. Lakes have dried up and forests have become deserts. The human race is on the brink of extinction. Their only choice is to band together and keep moving. Footage of a convoy full of people is shown. We can recognize Carlos Olivera and LJ from Resident Evil Apocalypse. What, no Jill? I'm heartbroken. She must have died.

We're treated to a bunch of scenes that remind us who the protagonist is. Alice is riding on a motorbike and picks up a distress call from a local radio station. She responds to it and is ambushed by a bunch of bandits who strip her of her weapons. One attempts to rape her and instead gets a swift kick in the face, killing him instantly.

The bandits knock her out and drop her into a pit. She's handcuffed and they throw her down a key. SHOCK SCARE! There's multiple cerberus (Zombie dogs) in cages surrounding her. They let them out. She dispatches them easily and frees herself, and causes part of the pit to cave, allowing her to escape. The dogs kill the bandits, she takes her gear and leaves.

The convoy's been broadcasting a signal looking for survivors. Alice hears it but shuts her radio off.

The convoy arrives at an abandoned motel. Their broadcast goes without response, so Carlos and LJ go in to investigate. LJ is ambushed by zombies and takes a bite in the chest. Carlos saves him, and they leave. LJ neglects to tell anybody about his bite, apparently just hoping it'll go away. The convoy moves on.

Alice stops by a gas station. She kills the zombified attendant and looks around the place. She doesn't find any supplies, but she finds a diary someone was keeping. The person keeping the diary was writing down transmissions received from Alaska, where apparently the infection has not reached, and people live happily there.

Back to the Umbrella facilility underground. It's a meeting among top level Umbrella officials. We're introduced to Albert Wesker, Chairman of Umbrella. Liek no wai. Well, they got the blonde hair and the sunglasses right. The voice is alright. The status of Umbrella facilities globally is discussed (The Paris facility is down to 50% food supply, whatever that means).

The whole "He needs the original Alice for his shit to work" thing might be brought up here, or further in the movie. I forget.

Dr. Issacs discusses his new approach for the zombies: He wants to domesticate them. He plans to come up with a vaccine that can restore some of the zombie's intelligence, enough to trigger memories and stabilize them. Wesker gives him the go-ahead. The meeting is adjourned. All the officials fade away like holograms. Neat. It sure beats the hell out of using Microsoft NetMeeting.

The convoy sets up shop for the night at a gas station. They hand out canned food to their survivors. "Nurse Betty" (Ashanti) treats a superficial head wound on LJ's forehead (Apparently missing the big bite mark on his chest). They flirt, etc. She leaves and LJ takes another good look at his wound. OH SHIT, IT'S STILL THERE!

Carlos is riding around on an ATV. He's setting up motion detectors and surveillance cameras so they can monitor their surroundings and be warned if they have incoming. Some light conversations, beddytime.

Alice has set up camp somewhere, and is trying to sleep. She's having flashbacks about the first two movies (Mostly the first one) and all the while her ESPN shit is going off and rocks are levitating. Her dream reaches it's climax and she awakens, causing rocks and shit to drop all around. Her bike also drops and falls apart. Shit.

ACT TWO: Someone switched the reel and put Analyze That on instead. Just kidding. A zombie in a jumpsuit is secured to a chair in a small room with Dr. Issacs and two researchers. It's very violent until Dr. Issacs injects him with something. The zombie calms.

They begin handing it objects to see if it recognizes them. They hand it a cell phone. The zombie flips it up and tries to use it. They then hand it a digital camera. He flips up the zoom and takes a picture of them. The researchers conclude that Dr. Issacs has succeeded. The zombie begins playing with a larger toy with the shapes and different holes. He gets three of them in, then fails on the fourth. It gets pissed, breaks free and kills two of the researchers. Back to the ole' drawing board.

Alice is on foot walking through the desert.

It's morning at their campsite. All is calm until one of the kids gets a shock scare from a very irate crow. A murder of crows swarm the area and perch on rooftops and power lines. ROLL UP YOUR WINDOWS, KIDS! Everybody puts up their windows and remains quiet...until a kid knocks over an empty Pepsi can. A crow goes apeshit and the murder swings into action. We have two problems. #1: The convoy's ambulance (/w Nurse Betty and LJ) is stuck in the sand and can't go anywhere, and #2: The bus has crashed into a pole and isn't going anywhere. The crows are trying to break into the bus.

Action sequence ensues. They try to transfer the passengers of the bus into an army truck. Not surprisingly, more than a few are pecked off and killed in the process.

Alice notices all the crows and heads for the source of the commotion.

Someone mounts a flamethrower on top of a truck and makes use of it for a while until the crows peck him off. People die. LJ and Betty hold the windshield in place while people escape the bus.

Alice finally shows up. The flamethrower has gone haywire and is about to barbecue Carlos and a survivor. She uses her ESPN shit to prevent the flames from hitting them, then directs the flames upward and fries all the crows (The scene from the ads where there's inferno towering over Alice). She passes out and Carlos retrieves her.

Everyone's off the bus. Betty's been pecked a few times, so she remains behind as LJ screams for her. She shoots a few crows, then gets pecked to death.

Cue back to Umbrella facility. One of the officials is pissed because Dr. Issacs keeps commissioning missions for test subjects. This is the other part where he might have mentioned the "He needs the original Alice" thing. Another Alice fails the training course.

The convoy set up a memorial for their dead. LJ still hasn't told anybody about his bite. We're finally introduced to the leader of the convoy: Claire Redfield (in name only). Alice and Carlos discuss events after the second film. Carlos wonders why she left them. Alice says Umbrella was tracking her. She broke into a facility, took note of their satellite's movements, and stays off-grid to avoid detection. Unbeknownst to her, a retasked satellite has picked her up. Dr. Issacs runs the shot through a computer, where it estimates with a 62% probability that it's Alice. A hologram little girl is with Issacs, it's the same voice as the Red Queen from the first film.

Nighttime at the convoy's new nighttime post. Discussion breaks out. Carlos notes that morale is down and their numbers have dwindled. Alice busts out the diary and talks about Alaska. Claire insists that they don't need a pipe dream, but Carlos thinks they do. Claire puts it to a vote and the convoy decides it's Alaska or bust.

Issacs meets with Chairman Wesker. He brings up how there's a 62% chance he's found Alice, and asks for the resources necessary to capture her. Wesker denies his request, telling him to come back when he's got 100% certainty it's her. Pissed, Issacs shoops Wesker's voice into a command approving the resources he needs.

They need supplies, so they bust out a map and decide where to go. They suggest one spot, but Alice says the place is empty (Perhaps the gas station she was at before?). Claire suggests Vegas. They're reluctant to visit a city, but odds are there's gear there since nobody else would want to touch a city, so the convoy goes over there.

Two helicopters leave the desert outpost, one with a crate in tow.

The convoy arrives in Vegas. It's a bit sandy there. LJ, who's not feeling so good anymore, points out that one of the casinos has gas pumps for their valets (He dropped 2Gs there once), but there's a giant crate blocking their way. They get out to winch it and pull it out of the way, but Alice tells them to wait. She puts her ear to the crate and figures something's wrong. Steps back, GIANT ARMY OF JUMPSUIT ZOMBIES.

Loud gunshots. Lots of blood. Lots of Alice slicing zombies heads off. An entertaining action scene worthy of Resident Evil 4. LJ hides in one of the trucks with "K-Mart" (They found her there, Alice yacked with her in some previous scene).

Issacs is monitoring Alice onsite. The idea is for her to be killed, then retrieve her body so they can get her blood. But she's putting up a fight. Oh yeah, lots of people die. Like almost every adult other than anybody I've mentioned, and some of the kids.

Apparently, with the shit they put in her, they can "shut her down", so they power down Alice. She just stands there while people get the shit kicked out of them.

LJ finally turns into a zombie. He goes after K-Mart, but Carlos saves her. He plugs LJ in the head, but not before LJ can bite his arm. The T-Virus seems a lot slower than it did in Apoc: It took Sgt. Peyton a few hours to zombify, but it took two full days for LJ to succumb to it.

Alice is fighting the shutdown. She manages to fry the satellite with her ESPN shit and comes back. She rushes the tent with Issacs and kills all the guards, but Issacs escapes to the chopper. He's bitten by a zombie in the process and flees. Alice has a chance to board the chopper but she refuses. It's not revealed if they finished off all the zombies, but Alice reveals to the group that she didn't board the chopper because now they can follow it to wherever it goes.

They follow to the source and monitor it with binoculars. Alice needs to get in there. She figures they ought to have the anti-virus for Carlos, but he doesn't seem to want it. They start hatching a plan to get in there.

ACT THREE:Back inside the facility. The same whiny exec from before confronts Issacs, who's under house arrest. He's injected himself with about five different somethings (I forget if they were the vaccine or not). Chairman Wesker has ordered Issacs killed, so the exec plugs Issacs twice. He falls over. Well I guess we're done here and OH SHIT ISSACS GETS BACK UP AND OH SNAP THERE'S TENTACLES ON HIS ARM AND HE PULLS OUT THE EXEC'S EYES AND SHOVES A TENTACLE DOWN HIS THROAT AND FUCKING KILLS EVERYBODY

Issacs has become what I guess I call Stage Two Nemesis. In RE3, once Nemesis loses the top half of his coat, gets tentacle powers and shit, which is basically what Issacs has become: What Nemesis SHOULD have been in the first movie. He's not fully a tyrant since he lacks gigantic claws or an exterior heart, but it's certainly very cool: An actual Resident Evil end boss.

The convoy's plan is as follows: Carlos rushes the crowd in their tanker-plow-thing and crashes. He blows up a bomb he has with him, clearing a path for the rest of them to drive into the fenced area. Claire and Alice get everybody aboard the chopper, and Claire escapes with the survivors, never to be seen for the rest of the film. I'm gonna assume they've survived because there'll probably be a fourth RE film and with Carlos and LJ dead, we've got nobody to carry over to a fourth film.

I would like to point out at this point that there's been pretty much no character development, but Resident Evil has never had any character development in the games. Oh I know some people may try to tell me that Steve Burnside had development in CODE: Veronica, but that's just bullshit. He's a 17 year old pre-emo emo. The only reason he warmed up to Claire was because he wanted to bone her. You put an irate 17 year old in confines with an attractive woman and eventually he's going to start thinking with his penis heart instead of his emo. And then he dies anyway but Wesker plans to revive him anyway.

Alice goes inside and is greeted by the White Queen. "I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch." WQ reveals to Alice that the cure for the T-Virus is in her blood and she can prepare all of the cures she wants on-site, but there's a problem. Issacs is sealed in the lower chambers and he needs to be dealt with first.

Alice stumbles upon one of her clones still in stasis. Then Issacs comes at her and they duke it out. She slices at him with her machetes but all his wounds heal themselves. She manages to cause him to retreat while her clone awakens and falls to the ground. It seems as though it dies, so she covers it with her jacket.

Alice follows Issacs into the training course that the Alices were going through at the start of the film. A fight breaks out in the mansion hallway and it seems for the most part that Alice has the upper hand, but Issacs fights back and the fight moves into the laser hallway.

The Alice clone isn't dead, and reawakens.

Issacs kicks the shit out of Alice and looks ready to finish her off. He declares him superior over her (Much like Cain thought between Alice and Nemesis in Apoc), and Alice just laughs. She says he's just another asshole, and the Alice clone activates the lasers. Issacs gets grid'd, and Alice uses her ESPN to stop the lasers from hitting her.

CUT TO BLACK.

EPILOGUE: We're shown some footage of zombies lurching around...Tokyo? The camera pans underground to yet another meeting of Chairman Wesker and his cronies. They haven't heard from their North American facility in 17 hours, so they consider it lost.

Apparently they have new plans, but we don't find out what they are because Alice interrupts the meeting with her own hologram. She says she's coming for them, and she's bringing her friends with her.

She fades out. The clone is standing next to her. The camera pans over to the clone storage area, where a shitload of Alices in stasis begin to awaken.

CREDITS.

VERDICT: It's better than the first two films, and the pacing is alright. You don't learn everybody's names, but most of them don't stay alive long enough for it to matter. You can give it a pass unless you had a passing interest in the first two films. I give it two stars out of four.

QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED:
-What happened to Jill Valentine and Angela Ashford from Apoc?
-Where did Claire and co. go?
-Is Alaska really a safe haven?

I'd also like to point out that never once in this film do you see Milla's bare boobs.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pass out now.

Generic Pizza-Inhaling Reptillians Living In Mobile Homes!

I may do this with Abadox. I wrote about it last summer, I may turn it into a video.

There's a lot of reviewer hateorade going on right now, and while I refuse to get involved on either side, I will say that if I had the know-how and the ability to cut videos with even higher production values, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Deadly Towers review! Next week! Maybe even earlier if you guys are lucky!

So Resident Evil: Extinction comes out next week. I'll probably go see it. I honestly expect it to blow. But it's my duty as a fan of Resident Evil to get first-hand evidence of it's suckery and report it to you, the fans, so you don't have to witness the suckery.

So many good videos to put out, so little time. And a new forum image for the MGS forum I moderate at.

I HOPE THIS IS THE PUFF DADDY VERSION OF THIS SONG

Smelly YouTube. It's loading slower than my wireless reception at a range of 30 feet. I wanted to be a narcissist and watch my own videos, but Noooooo, they're not going to load. WELL I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY YOUTUBE, YOU'VE RUINED MY 1AM PLANS. :'(

I'm thinking to change the Deadly Towers review format back to a standard review. I'm thinking to save the Graphic Novel idea for something entailing more than just Deadly Towers. Plus with all my job-hunting, I can't make a video THAT epic for now.

And just so everybody's clear: You all know the Police song "Every Breath You Take" is about a damn dirty stalker, right? Just in case people don't actually listen to the lyrics.

Been watching a lot more rifftrax. I'm looking to get the one for Firewall next. Not just because it's about an IT guy, and not just because it's Yet Another Harrison Ford Film Where His Wife And/Or Children are Kidnapped/Held Hostage/Killed, but because it's both.