Sunday, December 30, 2007

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

It's The End Of The Sonic Franchise As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Ok, so a review in written form. I struggled with the thought of another Shadow review, and it really boiled down to “do I want to record a whole lot of new footage of this stupid game and spend an entire day cutting it together along with commentary just so I can say that Shadow fucking sucks and people are retarded for liking that game”?

Of course I answered yes. But the problem with Christmas is it’s hard to find five minutes to yourself between family and friends and women and football and your day job, and to be honest, I really don’t want to play Shadow anymore. It’s not just because the game is so godawful, but I die a little more inside every time I realize how far down the shitter the Sonic series has gone. Mario transitioned nicely to the third dimension and has come out with game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game after game, all the while Sonic is sitting stranded on a 727 on the tarmac.

The inherent problem with the Sonic franchise is while it is technically a platformer, it’s moreso based on running around as fast as possible while smashing into enemies, which is all fine and dandy for a 2D level strung up like a racetrack, but it just doesn’t work well in 3D. Take Mario 64 for example. 15 worlds with plenty to do and can be as explored as fully as the player wishes. Lots of platforming, lots of replay value, and it’s very fluid.

However, Sonic games are still stuck in the same philosophy. Sure it’s three dimensional and sometimes you turn left or right, but the principle is still the same. Run from Point A to Point B. No exploring. In fact for the most part if it were possible, you could zoom the camera out and to the side and just play it like it were 2D. Oh sure, this is rudimentary and isn’t overly horrible, but the standard of gameplay quality has been raised from generation to generation, and that sort of thing just won’t cut it anymore. You think Capcom could get away with releasing the same kind of Mega Man games they did 10 years ago? The Mega Man X Collection is a prime example of a rise and a fall of a series. It reached its pinnacle with Mega Man X3, and then went straight down after.

I suppose I should really go into detail where my origin in the Sonic fandom lies and what happened when. It all started, like everything else involving a video game as a kid, on Christmas ’93, I think. I got a Game Gear for Christmas from I believe my aunt Linda and uncle Robert. It came with Sonic the Hedgehog and Chuck Rock. I loved Sonic. I wasn’t so hot for Chuck Rock. And I was delighted with the maybe hour of gameplay I’d get out of six rechargeable nicads. And then the following birthday I got Chase HQ and Sonic Chaos. And then the next Christmas it was Sonic 2 and some Sonic comic books. And then the next birthday it was Sonic Spinball. And then the next Christmas was Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine. And then the NEXT Christmas it was Sonic Blast.

And then it kinda just faded away. The TV shows weren’t on anymore. The comic book series had gotten boring after issue #50 (where Robotnik was killed). And there were no more Sonic Game Gear games coming out. And just like Journey after the Raised on Radio album, it just vanished without warning.

There was a small resurgence a few years ago when I finally got a Sega Genesis on the cheap from a neighborhood garage sale, which came with Sonic 2 and Sonic & Knuckles, among other games (who needs two soccer games, let alone one?). I’d had plenty of experience with Sonic 2 at other people’s houses who had Sonic 2, but S&K was new to me, and fun, despite the age and the lack of a Sonic 3.

The Sonic Mega Colletion Plus was released for PS2. I bought it. I loved it. Had all the Genesis games and some of the Game Gear games. Didn’t have Sonic 2 GG on it though, which was unfortunate.

And then one day I went and bought a Gamecube (Even though the Wii was coming out in five months), and at one of the local game shops I bought Resident Evil and Resident Evil 0. Turned out there was a buy two get one free deal, and I couldn’t pick another game, so the guy gave me Sonic Adventure DX.

I played it. It was alright. I liked the small choice of characters. Sonic ran fast. You could go exploring outside of the stages. The characters were unlocked in order of interest, the Big Three were first, and then your bit characters like Amy, that Robot, and that retarded cat.

There were of course catches. I hated Knuckles’ levels with a passion; I can’t recall a time in my life were I was more irate to hear a loud beeping noise over and over and over and over whenever I approached an emerald shard. The camera was annoying, but manageable. I didn’t care to play as anybody outside of the Big Three. I stopped caring about unlocking emblems since I already had most of the Game Gear games. Tails levels were redundant since they were just rehashes of Sonic’s levels but with time limits.

Something else I had a problem with: All of a sudden Sonic is interacting with vibrant cities full of humans. When did his happen? When did Sonic go from being a hedgehog on planet Mobius full of animals where the only human was Robotnik - which was a clever jab at how humankind is destroying the planet with automation, to a full blown human race and where the humanoid bipedal animals were the minority? Does the Sonic series even take place on Mobius anymore?

I got what I paid for.

So I’m frequenting EB Games one day and I see they have a near-mint copy of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for GC for $11.99. I pick it up. Maybe they’ve fixed some of my concerns from the previous game? NOPE. Sonic is still running in a glorified straight line, the camera is even WORSE (instead of panning upwards and downward, it zooms in and out), and now for the most part I can’t pick who I’m playing as.

Rather than give me six separate characters to choose from, thus letting me decide if I want to run in straight line or be masochistic and listen to loud beeping over and over while I look for goddamn emerald shards with an extremely awful camera, the game forces me to pick a team of three characters, and now I alternate between them. Sonic runs, Tails rides retardedly hard to control vehicles, and now Knuckles has a full-blown rap accompaniment. Lovely.

They did something new though. They introduced some new characters. Rouge, some kind of nymphomaniacial bat, and Shadow, a black hedgehog. I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know what their deal is, because I honestly never bothered to play as them. I got pissed off after failing numerous times at some Tails level where he was riding this stupid airplane mech and wouldn’t stop falling off things or dying and vowed never to play Sonic Adventure 2 ever again.

And not just that, they took out the little free roaming feature where you could wander between levels, thus making the game fully linear.

But like I said, I simply stopped playing. I don’t know. Maybe the camera magically fixed itself. Maybe nonlinear random roaming returned. Maybe Sonic’s levels stopped being glorified two-dimensional race tracks. Maybe Knuckles stopped being a wigger. Maybe Tails got the fuck out of his mechs and became easier to control. I have no way of knowing.

Then Sonic Heroes came out. Now it’s four teams of three characters that you play all at once. Great! Now rather than having to play as two characters I don’t like alternating from level to level, I now have to play them all at the same time and stop the gameplay so I can switch to that character and do whatever task it is they do in order to advance!

Again, I’m assuming that’s the gist of the whole game. I played it for 10 minutes at my cousin’s house, so for all I know the rest of the game may not be like that.

And guess what? They introduced even MORE characters! There aren’t enough already? Now we have some pedo meat rabbit named Cream and whoever else is on Amy’s team, and team CHAOTIX, which is a croc, an armadillo, an a bee that nobody has ever heard of.

I’m lying. Sonic purists will tell me that the Chaotix have always been there. Which is also a lie. The Chaotix were never there. The Chaotix were only known beforehand to the four people in existence who owned both a 32x AND Knuckles’ Chaotix, and maybe the 10 or so people who read the comics. So four teams of three characters, in a Sonic game, we’re only playing as Sonic a twelfth of the time.

Let’s take “Team Sonic” out of contention. Let’s leave the other nine characters. Who is the average newfag Sonic fan going to pick as their favorite? Shadow! Why? Because he’s an anti-hero! That means he’s badass. And he’s black. Which means he’s evil or rogue or something else. I don’t know. It’s an overused archtype. No game can get the whole anti-hero thing down. Kane and Lynch failed. FF7: Dirge of Cerberus failed. GoldenEye: Rogue Agent failed. In the end, the game designers wind up creating unlikable douchebags rather than bold deep characters who play by their own rules.

So yeah, the kids like Shadow. I know! Let’s make a game about him! Let’s explore his backstory! Let’s make a brand new gaming experience! Let’s fix all the gameplay flaws! Let’s make this the best Sonic game ever! Wait, I’m being told that we’re just going to shine up the same shit and give it a different name. My bad.

The camera still isn’t fixed. We’re STILL just going in a straight line. There are STILL too many characters. But wait! Instead of fixing old problems, let’s create NEW ones! Let’s make it so you have to scour these straight line levels back and forth so you can kill 30+ enemies! Let’s leave the visuals intact so the PlayStation 2 has problems managing an FPS above 10! Let’s give Shadow a GUN.

A GUN.

Let’s look over Shadow’s resume briefly. He’s the ultimate life form. He can do fancy shit like transport all over places and unleash energy waves and fly and deflect bullets at stuff. So why does he need a gun?

Rather than go into a large philosophical and sociological debate as to why someone with such fleeting powers would choose to engage hostiles using a primitive manmade weapon, I’m simply going to quote a line from IGN’s review of Miami Vice: The Game for PSP:

“Take, for instance, its reputation system. While not the first game to have such a thing, the notoriety feature in Miami Vice actually comes with a trade-off: wear body armor and use badass weapons and you'll get through the level much easier, but do it with defenseless lounge singer clothes on and nothing more than your department-issued handgun, and your rep will go up a lot quicker.”

It goes back to the whole badass anti-hero thing. He’s doing it to look cool. Which…makes sense, for an idiot to do. But really, the guns are for the most part, optional. You don’t have to use them.

This leaves you two forms of attacking enemies:

A. Punch them.
B. Jump smash into them.

A is impossible because of course, Shadow’s punching radius is maybe two pixels farther than his character model, and gently brushing up against an enemy results in a loss of rings or a life. That’s another indication that Sonic is clinging to the same gameplay mechanic they used 15 years ago. Sure, back then, enemies always caused damage when they brushed up against you, but for the most part nowadays it isn’t always the case. I can take a game like Max Payne and have Max randomly run into people and sure, he won’t take damage from that (although their constant shooting may do him in), but still, if an enemy lightly taps Shadow (or whoever in this series) on the shoulder and all of a sudden it’s assault & battery.

B (for those who have forgotten, is jump smash) is too unpredictable for it’s own good. Basically, you jump, and then hit the jump button again, and Shadow flies forward. Sometimes. I like to use it as a means to get a running start. But it’s also an attack, and it will randomly auto-lock onto nearby enemies without notice, which is usually OK. Shadow will bounce off an enemy and kill them, and you can hit the jump button again to smash into the next enemy.

This is where it can get problematic.

Let’s say the level takes place on floating platforms (as many of the levels in this game do) and plummeting off the edge of the track results in instant death. If Shadow’s jump smash attack decides it doesn’t want to auto-lock onto enemies anymore (maybe they’re behind him or a little too far away), Shadow will jump in the same direction he was going if you make him. Often this is straight over the edge and right into death. So what are you supposed to do? You can’t tell when it’ll auto lock and you can’t tell when it’ll stop. And you can’t punch the enemies because it’s too much of a goddamn risk to Shadow’s life since he’s a super duper all powerful master being who can deflect bullets and zoom around and teleport and roundhouse kick enemies but is in fucking critical condition if you tap him on the shoulder.

You pick the gun up and you shoot them. Maybe THAT’S why they implemented gunplay, the other attack mechanics were too broken to be of any use.

So yes, the game is finally nonlinear, but this isn’t exactly a good thing. Like I said, you now have to do X number of things in order to change the storyline. And there’s usually a 2P character who’ll remind you how much you have to do. But at certain points in the track, the other character shows up to remind you what the OTHER objective is.

I stand corrected on something I said in my review. I said you had to manually change them back in forth in order to continue the objective. It turns out you can keep doing the other objective without it being the one actively displayed on the screen. However, you STILL have to change back and forth to have any goddamn idea how many more GUN soldiers you have to kill just so you can earn the label of “EVIL”.

So follow me here. We have an archaic gameplay design wherein the player runs from point A to point B. The quality of this gameplay was already suspect to major criticism. You NOW have to scavenge this track for X number of items or enemies. In a gameplay setup that is designed to accommodate a player who runs really fast, you now have to tread slowly and run back and forth completing objectives.

The Sonic series has degenerated into an old beat up 1992 Volkswagen Jetta. It’s based on old technology. You’ve put a spiffy new radio in it, but the speakers are still shitty. The seats are held together by tape. There’s a hole in the floor. The power windows don’t work. The gas tank leaks if you fill it more than halfway. And rather than replace this old car with a shiny new one, Sega insists on still driving it despite the fact that it’s degrading into a deathtrap with wheels and any cosmetic change is offset by something that still makes it unusable.

And even after all that, when the problems with the Sonic formula were more than glaringly obvious, what did they do? They released ANOTHER Sonic game! And now they just called it “Sonic the Hedgehog”. What, is it a remake of the original game? Where does it relate in the series canon? Does it tie up any of the plot twists from Sonic Adventure 2?

No, it’s just MORE broken gameplay mechanics! Now you play as Sonic, Blackie the Hedgehog and Whitey the Hedgehog! Good to know we’re being creative, Sega! I see we’re STILL creating too many poorly defined cast members and we’re STILL not upgrading the gameplay and we’re STILL driving that piece of shit broken down VW Jetta.

For the video review, I was going to buy the 360 version of that game and just snap it on camera, saying that’s what I thought of it. But what a waste of $20 that would be. There’s far better uses for $20 right now, such as alcohol and gameday snacks.

And really, I can sum up Sonic Team’s incompetence in one observation. THEY CAN’T EVEN REMAKE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG GENESIS PROPERLY. Everyone who has played Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis 15th Anniversary Edition for the Game Boy Advance has had an overwhelming urge to kill themselves. We have Nintendo remaking Super Mario Bros. all the time for various consoles, whether they be straight ports or enhanced ports or remakes, and Sega can’t even get their first game right ONCE.

As far as I know, there’s no plans for any main series Sonic games. And I honestly hope it stays that way. My inner child can’t take any more of this rape.

I have to wonder though, with the rash of people commenting on the Shadow review saying that Shadow rocked and that I was an idiot and a fatass (that shirt is actually very large), but they never specified if I was an asshole for hating the character or for hating the game. I have to say they think I’m attacking the character because there is no way in poo perfect hell that they could seriously regard Shadow the Hedgehog: The Game as anything less than utter shit.

I don’t know. I don’t watch the new shows. I see him as every other rational person sees him: Black Sonic with a gun. Nothing more, nothing less.

tl;dr: Shadow sucks.


EDIT: This is what’s nice about blog posts. If I decide I forgot to mention something or I thought up something else, I can just add more.

So yeah, the game has 10 normal endings. 10? 10 endings? I like variety but ten endings? What’s the point of 10 endings especially if there’s a FINAL ENDING that just invalidates the previous 10?

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I didn’t play 100% of the game. Why? I don’t need to play 100% of a game to tell that it’s crap. I shouldn’t have to play 100% of a game to decide that it’s crap. I should have to play 100% of a game if it’s a single-entry game or if it’s from a series with a history of excellence. You know what I did? I downloaded a save file with 100% completion and just replayed most of the levels.

I have about 40 or 50 some odd games sitting around waiting to be beaten, at least six or seven of them RPGs. If Shadow the Fucking Hedgehog thinks I’m going to dedicate the time and energy needed to unlock every little piece of shit extra content, level, and swear word he has, he’s out of his fucking mind. I might as well just sit in my chair and do nothing for the next 48 hours, and I’ll accomplish as much as I would by finishing Shadow. “Cool, I finished Shadow. I learned nothing and it was the most unrewarding experience of my life. I think I’ll shoot myself now”.

But I think I figured out Sonic Team. Yessir I did. You see, there’s a hidden genius to what they’re doing. They remove whatever feature was good from their game for the sequel. Sonic Adventure, free roaming! GONE. Sonic Adventure 2, only have to play through the game twice. GONE. Sonic Heroes, you could at least play as Sonic. GONE. Shadow the Hedgehog, you only had to play as one poorly defined character. GONE. And since there’s no plans for another main series Sonic game, I can’t tell what, if anything, Sonic ’06 did right.

I want to say the Sonic series is the video gaming equivalent of the San Francisco 49ers but frankly that would be an insult to the 49ers. At least they have that backup quarterback Shaun Hill who’s showing some promise. What does Sonic have? The best thing he’s done in the last decade is not release a game in the last year.

Someone, answer this for me. Did Shadow retain his guns in Sonic ’06? Actually, you know what? Don’t answer that. That’s an admission that you actually played Sonic ’06.

I want to pose the question to people as to how to fix the Sonic franchise without turning it into a 2.5D sidescroller, but I seriously don’t think there’s a way to bring Sonic to the third dimension without him sucking immensely.

I still have no desire to ever play Sonic Adventure 2 again. Maybe it’s the one instance where I quit the game at the exact moment where it was going to pick up and all the problems were going to magically be solved. In the line of crappy Sonic Games, it’s certainly better than what they’re cranking out now. Sonic Adventure 2 is a fucking godsend compared to Shadow the Hedgehog. That’s kind of like saying Resident Evil Extinction is better than Resident Evil Apocalypse.

And before anybody puts my gaming talent into question, I would like to point out that I did do that speed run of Sonic 2 GG, so it’s not like I can’t hack my way through a naturally difficult Sonic game.

EDIT#2: Final edit, I swear. Basically, it all comes down to this. We could go back in time about 15 years and I could give you the choice between playing Super Mario World and Sonic 3 & Knuckles and you might have a hard time choosing between them. Today I could give you the option between Super Mario Galaxy and Sonic '06 and you wouldn't even have to think about what to say.

PlayItBogart says:
I could give you the option between Mario World and Sonic 3 & K, and there might have been a slight chance you could pick Sonic over Mario
PlayItBogart says:
Today I could give you the choice between Mario Galaxy and Sonic '06
WolferGiga says:
HAHAHAHA
PlayItBogart says:
You wouldn't even have to think about it long enough to know that Sonic '06 is crap
WolferGiga says:
playing sonic 06 vs eating my right testical.... hmmmm
WolferGiga says:
hard choice.
PlayItBogart says:
You know I think I'd rather eat my testicle.
PlayItBogart says:
Sorry fella, but you're gonna have to pack your bags. Maybe I can sell you to Lance Armstrong instead.